I’m sorry…

By Gina M. Cooper

I’m sorry I can’t love you the way you want me to.

I’m sorry you’re not like the other girl

I’m sorry I cry, when you hold me close

Please understand I’m hurting still

My wings are broken, and tied up.

My heart is scarred, but the wounds still bleed.

She was a loved one, lost

I love her still, and I’m sorry, I’m sorry still…

I’m sorry every time I hold you, I think of her

I’m sorry that when I kiss you, I wish it was her

I’m sorry when I dream, I lie and say I was dreaming of you

I dream of her, yes I dream of her still

I’m sorry I still have photos of her

I’m sorry I still talk about her

She saved me, helped me and so much more

She held me when I needed it most

She saw through me, and broke down my walls

I’m sorry I haven’t let you in

I’m sorry I create walls around myself once again

I’m sorry I still pray for her and thank God for her

I’m sorry I blame myself still

I’m sorry it’s hard for me to move on

But understand I still care for her and always will

I’m sorry I have a small piece of hope for her

She is on my mind always, and it kills me still

I can’t escape thinking of her

It’s so hard, the pain so much

Yet, I can’t seem to give her up, No I can’t

I love her and I know I always will.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…

So October is the official month to celebrate "Coming Out, "within the GLBTA community =) I was very happy that just yesterday I got to take part in speaking along with a few other individuals on a "Coming Out" panel that our GLBTA student organization called the 10% Society helped put together. Yes, i'll admit that despite the fact that I've spoken a number of times infront of people, and many students here on my campus USD I was still nervous about speaking. For one every time I speak it's always been to a different group of individuals, and not all the same people, second to me I consider Coming Out a life long process and not just a one time thing. I mean if you really think about it a person gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or whatever they're always faced with different situations in their own life where they have to chose to come out to people or not, like at their job, with family members, friends, and so on. That's why for me it was hard yet to again to tell my story, and because my story in and of itself isn't the most happiest or greatest of "Coming Out" stories... mainly because I didn't have a choice on when to come out, or where... and basically I was OUTED... yeah i know right, it sucked and that's the truth. So without further a due here is MY OWN Coming out story that was published in my school newspaper last fall =) I hope all of you readers enjoy, and if you have any questions whatsoever feel free to ask, because i enjoy answering questions and giving feedback.

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Coming out: One step at a time

Thomas Zaruba

Gina Cooper is a lesbian. When she was a sophomore in high school, Cooper's boyfriend dared her to kiss her best friend. That experience was Cooper's first with a girl. The kiss "aroused a lot of new emotions," Cooper said. It was at this point in her life that she realized that she was bisexual. Cooper grew up in a strong Christian household and attended high school at a strict boarding school. "It was hard for me, attending a Christian boarding school, to make sense of all of these new emotions."

During the summer between her sophomore and junior year of high school, Gina traveled to Washington (state) with her boyfriend. Prior to the trip, Gina met another lesbian online who also lived in Washington. The pair met up and did a lot of talking; this, too, was an eye-opening experience for Gina.

"I was concerned about how my boyfriend felt about my sexuality. I was also worried about coming out to my parents," she said.

During her stay in Washington, Gina's phone calls, e-mails and instant messages were monitored by her boyfriend's brother-in-law. The night before she and her boyfriend were to drive back to South Dakota, her boyfriend's brother-in-law confronted her, opening a Pandora's Box that sent everything spiraling out of control. He told Gina that he knew her secret and believed that it was wrong. He threatened to call her parents. Gina was "blown away." Two days later, shortly before Gina arrived home in Rapid City, her parents got the call. Gina's mother e-mailed Gina's friend from Washington and threatened to mortally harm her while her dad went on a "lecturing rampage." Gina's two older brothers, however, were both okay with her orientation.

That series of events may have forced Gina out of one closet, but sent her quickly into another. She still had mixed feelings about whether or not she was truly homosexual, heterosexual or both. Near the end of that summer, Gina said her friend, "taught me to think for myself." Gina started her junior year of high school at a public school, but was forced back to boarding school within the first few weeks. Upon returning to boarding school, Gina was ostracized by both the students and the school. She was given a room to herself instead of having a roommate in the dormitories like the rest of the students. Another student, two years Gina's junior, said that if Gina tried out for the gymnastics team she would say that Gina harassed her sexually. At this point in her life, Gina became very hard on herself.

"I began to hurt myself physically and got into abusive relationships just so I could be with someone. I was basically distraught and confused. Towards the end of the year I talked to some friends who said that they understood me and that they would accept me. They told me they would still be my friends," she said.

Gina did not relate with many people from her high school after she came out. She stuck mainly to her close group of friends.

"Since coming to college I have not only made a ton of friends, I've realized that by being honest to myself and others that I have gotten further than where I was in life. My parents still don't accept my lifestyle, but I'm OK with that. I've learned to move on ... I'm just thankful for the friends I have now and for organizations like 10% Society to basically make things a lot easier for me."

Reach University of South Dakota Volante reporter Thomas Zaruba at Thomas.Zaruba@usd.edu.

--- This is the second half of what I started, hope you all enjoy =)